remember them days when you seriously wanted your mom to marry rev run and we would always talk shit about justine?
joeyyyy why you always taken cheeseburgers from me?!?!?!
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
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