if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
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