isnt it creepy that our bodies make people
so let's talk penis.
worst night to have a conscience
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Randomize
