Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
Randomize
