I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
You remember correctly you did get a golf cart ride out but it wasnt because you were special. You were so smashed you were screaming tiger at random golfers in the middle of there backswing.
We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
Nana added me on facebook...i think i'll have to call her and warn her about my lifestyle before i confirm her as a friend.
Randomize
