I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Randomize
