If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
Does she know that uploading nude photos to photobucket and networking are two different things? You may want to ask.
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
Randomize
