Boner jamz table deep. plus bar deep. wiing waing.
so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
Who are these men, what are we doing here, how is this helping us toward our goals of sex and pasta? Things to consider.
You are a booty call, not a friend.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
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