HELP! I am trapped in a douchebag ad... full of Affliction and Ed Hardy. Seriously? is he gonna leave his sunglasses on the entire 10 seconds of this encounter?
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
i mean, we fucked on the futon in the garage where his band practices. pretty sure im now obligated to like his band on facebook.
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
