She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
Randomize
