I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
he aimed his bare ass at the sparkler, farted, and it really did work...i love 4th of july anal fire works
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts