Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize