My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
All i remember his him yelling yahtzee while pouring beer down her shirt .
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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