Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
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