forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
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