The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
If it makes u feel any better my dick feels pretty tender dude
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