Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
Two words: nipple clamps
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