I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
Randomize
