Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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