I am at a 420 party and i just told a girl "hey, less not getting donuts, more getting donuts"(1-855): and did she get any doughnuts?
No. I am devastated
She was not exactly lady-like. Down there.
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
Randomize
