apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
