wanna go halves on a baby?
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
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