I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
Randomize
