He asked to "fluff my boner.."
apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
Randomize
