you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
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