Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
Jenna is yelling bc of the condom wrappers and cum stains. This is the 3rd and last time you have sex in my roommates bed.
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