I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
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