i jhust puked up my retainher.
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Randomize
