I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
Randomize
