I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
So you refered to him as "monster dick"...not so much
i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
i don't mind that he's uncut. i like it! it's like a little sweater!
a cock doensn't need a sweater! especially a skin sweater! wtf.
That's like some buffalo bill hannibal lector shit.
I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
Randomize
