I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
You pointed at his crotch then made a thrusting motion. I think it's safe to say every guy at my college loves you.
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
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