TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
well the hot one passed out so thats that, but then the fat one made chicken nuggets....totally worth it
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
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