Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
I'm really busy with my period
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