problem. drunk. stepbrother hitting on me again. help.
dude you have to find out what a girl's name is before you sleep with her. if her name is debbie she's boring, if her name is lauren she's an overrated hoebag, if her name is meagan she gived bad head.
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Randomize
