She was sucking his dick at Seacrets outside bar in front of all of us...her friends kept coming over crying and yelling "Tiffany stop it"
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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