I just cut my nipple shaving
Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
He' s half Black and half Italian, I finally asked...this penis maybe one for the records.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
Randomize
