The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Randomize
