So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
Randomize
