I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
Currently listening to 'Just Put it in Your Mouth.' remember when i went through that phase?
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
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