I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
Randomize
