i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
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