My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
Randomize
