The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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