You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
wanna go halves on a baby?
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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