I need to stop coming to work sober
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
Are we still banned from the library?
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
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