Houston, we have a squirter
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
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