you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
i've decided to use this saturday afternoon to take care of my pube situation
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
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