I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
I came so hard my ears popped.
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
Randomize
