Wow. 8.8 earthquake hit Chile this morning
didn't feel it. :)
It's like 5 thousand miles away of course you didn't.
wait what? so it's not in america?
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
Randomize
