we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
These 29 Nasty People Went To The Bathroom In Public
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
This is the prime rib incident all over again
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
19 People Who Had An Inappropriate Celebrity Encounter
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.