we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
maybe after you take off her top her face will be hotter
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
Randomize
