Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
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