If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
Even my vagina gasped.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
Is it bad I use my AA meeting to hookup with guys?
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
Randomize
