i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.