Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
This guy needs to come out; I can feel him sucking my dick from across the room.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
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