I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
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I would describe it as pure and unadulterated shock, mixed with horror and a touch of nausea.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
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im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
We were taking body shots by lunch. I love college.
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?