i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
These 33 Eskimo Brothers Boinked The Same Person And Couldn’t Be More Proud
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
17 Inappropriate Things People Did With Instruments
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.